institutionalized

This is a post about being institutionalized, in the Shawshank definition of the word.

It would be hyperbolic to call it brain washing, and a little understated to call it simply "becoming comfortable with one's surroundings;" I have recently noticed myself in a mood here that I've experienced before on deployments: content happiness.

I had a few decent days at work, where I wasn't dead tired at the end of my shift, and I had time to get enough sleep and do a bit of blogging and emailling, and I was happy. And at first it's a strange change, and a welcome one, because I hadn't been happy in weeks. And you don't question it, because it's good to be happy. But then it wears off and you start to think again, and you realize that you're happy because you have accepted the crappy things in your life that you cannot change. (Interesting comment of stoic philosophy here.) You accept those things, and minimize them, and do what you are able to be happy with your life as it is.

On rote, it's easy to settle into routine. Same things at the same time, every day (or every other day, every three, etc.) And once you settle in, and begin to get good at your job, you get a measure of control over how things go, and have a measure of predictability. Certainty, even the certainty of something bad, is usually less upsetting than ambiguity. (The complete unpredictability of my life in Hercs was another reason I didn't want to stay.) So even though you don't have all you could want on rote, you get comfortable.

What's really disturbing to me is that some of these times are the happiest I've had in the last few years...deploying is the only thing I do consistently for the AF, so it's the only thing I get good at and consequently the only thing I feel empowered doing. I realized as I was walking around Al Udeid this last trip in than I have spent more time there in the last 5 years than I have anywhere else except Abilene, TX.

Happiness, but it's the happiness of a hamster in a cage. All your basic needs taken care of, a place for everything and everything in its place. But it doesn't last. Eventually you remember the things you are missing out on at home through emails or phone calls or mail, or you go home, where life is messy and disorganized and you never have enough time for all the friends you want to spend time with. You go from the hive of deployed life when you can't get a moment to yourself to your empty apartment, and having to work to find people to hang out with. After my last rote I woke up one morning and realized I hadn't slept in a bed next to a woman in more than a year.

I have had good experiences on the road that I will carry with me for a long time, and I'm grateful for them. But I'm not getting any younger...one day I'll need to start this "the rest of my life" thing or I'm afraid I won't be able to. I've been terrible at relationships my whole life, I'm going to need some practice if I actually want to get married some day.

I have to quit deploying.

[writing dates: 8 apr 08, 28 apr 08, 30 apr 08, 3 may 08]